Reflections: Part Deux

Hi!

After blogging the other night for the first time in nearly 2 years, I decided to read back through some of my posts since I started this blog, and now I feel inspired to write again. This time about life in general. Plus, it’s 3:40 am, and guess what: I have insomnia!

In reading through my posts, I’ve reconnected with the idea that I really have an incredible life. Despite anxiety, despite insomnia, despite the external stressors that I’m dealing with at the moment. My life is really awesome, and I’ve lost sight of that recently.

I mentioned in a post way back that I dealt with some crippling anxiety in my early twenties. It wasn’t permanent, and I was able to overcome it with enough positive thinking, meditation, and constant reminders that I am powerful, and that I can overcome any challenges that come my way.

Well, over the past 10 months or so, I’ve been dealing with what feels like “crippling” anxiety again. I’ll start from the beginning…

Moving to South Africa was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Although it placed me far away from my family and some of the best friends I will ever have in my life, I found somewhere that finally felt like “home” to me. And I’ve connected with people who are also some of the best friends I will ever have in my life.

My time in South Africa was initially only supposed to be 2 years. But after falling completely in love with the Rainbow Nation, I decided to extend my work contract by another year so I could continue experiencing SA and living my life to the fullest. Then, when my 3rd year was coming to a close, I decided I still wanted to stay, so I extended my work contract by another 2 years. I just wasn’t ready to leave such a beautiful country. I wasn’t ready to leave the place that had become my home.

However, I knew that towards the end of my 4th year, I’d have to apply for a new work visa. Other people I knew had done it, no problem. I figured it would be stressful, but not something that would literally leave me feeling like I’m dangling off the edge of a cliff…

Towards the end of 2017, I started getting my paperwork together. I had to:

• Apply with the South African Qualifications Authority (SAQA) so they could evaluate my degree and give me a special certification for my undergraduate degree
• Apply to become a certified professional with SACNASP (South African Council for Natural Scientific Professionals)
• Obtain a police clearance certificate from the South African Police Service (SAPS)
• Obtain a police clearance certificate from the FBI
• Get a chest x-ray and complete a Radiological Certificate
• Get a physical and complete a Medical Clearance Certificate
• Hire an immigration attorney to assist with the whole process
• Go to bank and get 3 months of bank statements
• Apply for a new passport
• Get a certified copy of my landlord’s ID and print a copy of my lease agreement
• Get a certified copy of my divorce decree

… and countless other miscellaneous documents.

Believe me, doing all of this was no small undertaking. It took me 8 months to get all of this together (due to bureaucracy and slow processing times for various certifications I applied for).

But the icing on the cake? The fact that I wasn’t allowed to apply for a new visa while in South Africa. I was actually required to fly back to the US to submit my application, and basically wait there while the application is being processed.

So much for my vow of not traveling anywhere outside of SA or getting on any airplanes in 2018…

There were a few snafus upon submitting the application at the South African Consulate General in NYC, but I managed to clear them up relatively quickly. Basically they told me I needed documents that neither their website, nor my immigration attorney, said were required. But that’s a governmental organization for you… Just making up rules along the way.

Their website, and my immigration attorney, said the application would take 3-4 weeks to process, so I scheduled myself to be in the US for 5 weeks (just to be safe). However, upon submitting the application, they told me it would be 4 weeks minimum. Ok, fine. Hopefully it wouldn’t take much longer than that.

Well, it took longer than 4 weeks. It took long enough that I had to push out my flight back to SA. I didn’t know how long I would need to push it out for, as the consulate was not answering my phone calls, acknowledging the countless messages I left on their answering machine, nor responding to any of the e-mails I sent them. But I had to make a call, so I assumed pushing the flight out by 2 weeks would be a safe bet.

Another week went by, with more unanswered phone called, more unanswered voice messages, and more unanswered e-mails. I was really starting to panic (and still am). So I resorted to sending them a message on their Facebook page. Much to my surprise, someone answered me within 24 hours! They put me in touch with the person reviewing my application. She told me she needed some additional info, but is ultimately going to finalize my visa and send my passport back to me ASAP.

Thank the fucking Pope!

I’m now 5 days away from when my rescheduled flight is scheduled to depart, and I’m still worrying that I’m not going to get the visa/my passport back in time, and may have to push my flight out AGAIN. But I’m praying to the gods of immigration every second that this all works out!

This whole process has also cost a shitload of money. My company is helping me pay for a lot of it, but I’ve still dished out more of my own $$ than I expected. Especially having to be back in the US for what has now been 6 weeks, paying for things at US prices (and conveniently, while the South African Rand is at its weakest!)

But despite my panic, I keep reminding myself that money is just an object. Money doesn’t define my happiness. Even if I do have to push my flight out again (and spend even more money doing so), the good news is this:

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK.

I will eventually get this visa. I will eventually rebuild my savings. I will eventually see my kittens again (although by the time I return, they won’t be kittens anymore!). I will eventually see my wonderful boyfriend Geoff and my South African besties again. I will eventually be able to get back into going to yoga classes and hitting the rock climbing gym after work. I will eventually be able to go rock climbing outdoors or hiking with friends on the weekends. I will eventually be back in a beautiful, temperate, and perfect climate where it’s not either freezing cold or disgustingly hot and humid and raining all the time. I will eventually be back in my cottage, relaxing on my couch with my love, ordering Uber Eats and binge watching Netflix. I will eventually be able to garden again, and paint, and make jewelry, and practice my flute, and brew beer, and do other weird miscellaneous arts and crafts. I will eventually be able to go on epic adventures with friends. I will eventually be back at work (believe it or not, I’m excited for this), where I can see all of my wonderful colleagues, and actually work ergonomically while sitting at a desk instead of on a couch or bed with my laptop in hand. I will eventually be back in the place that I call home ❤

The past 10 months have really been hell for me. The ball ache of getting all of the visa paperwork together was actually nothing compared to the anxiety of not knowing whether or not I’ll ever be allowed to live in South Africa again. If my visa application was denied, I would have to apply for a tourist permit, and go back to SA to sell all of my stuff, find a new home for my kittens, say goodbye to Geoff and all of my other friends, and start life over again in the US. That’s ultimately the thing that worried me the most, but now I know now that that’s not going to happen.

And reflecting on all of this, I’ve remembered that I’m a really strong person. That I can deal with challenges like this one, and other challenges that will come my way in the future. That despite feeling absolutely hopeless and powerless at times, that it is in my true nature to be hopeful, and powerful.

In reflecting on why I love South Africa so much, I remembered how incredible my life is. How adventurous it is. How interesting it is. How dynamic it is. I’ve remembered that I have amazing friends. That I have the most incredible boyfriend a girl could ever ask for. That I have people in my life with whom I can laugh, be myself, be honest, go on adventures, etc.

And in being back in the US for the past 6 weeks, I’ve remembered how truly amazing my family and friends are. How, despite being so far away from them, and at times not talking to them for months, the bond we have is utterly unbreakable. Since I’ve been back in the US, my parents have taken me in, allowed me to stay with them, cooked for me, bought me things, gave me spending money because I’m broke, supported me emotionally during this stressful time, and have just downright cared for me more than I could have imagined. Perhaps I’ve taken this for granted over the years. They are parents, that’s what they’re supposed to do, right? Well not all parents are as supportive, and I feel so blessed to have them. I’ve connected more with my brothers than I ever have before in my life. I’ve developed the sweetest bond with my 3-year old niece, Emilia. And my sister and I have had a strong bond for a long time, but we are both going through some shit right now and we are supporting each other throughout all of the difficulties we are facing. And although I have amazing friends in SA, my besties here in the US are irreplaceable. Again, bonds that can never be matched, or broken.

It’s been so refreshing to spend quality time with these people who I love. Remembering how much I love my family and friends here is actually going to make my return to SA more difficult. But I still know in my heart that SA is where I belong, and I’m counting down the days until I go home ❤

Over and out.

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”

“Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.”

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

Insomnia

For the few of you who may have read my blog over the past 4 years since I’ve had one (although posts have been few and far between), you’ll know I initially started this blog to document my adventures of moving to a new country. But over the course of time, my blog has evolved to just being a platform where I can rant and rave about whatever the hell I want. My “public diary” as I like to call it…

And now, I’d like to rant, and rave (and possibly educate?) my very few readers about something I’ve been dealing with my entire life:  insomnia.

I’m sitting here, at 2:40 am, wondering what the f#$% I can do to just fall asleep (for the record, I’ve been laying in bed since about 9:00 pm). Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I read. Sometimes I watch boring TV. Sometimes I play games on my phone. Sometimes I meditate. Sometimes I do a bit of yoga or stretching. Sometimes I listen to peaceful and relaxing music. Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I take sleeping pills (usually natural ones). Sometimes I drink alcohol. Sometimes I use sleep apps to help guide me into dreamland. Overall, nothing really works to knock me out. So tonight, I decided I would try something different, and write about it. Will this work to make me fall asleep? Without question, no. But it beats laying in bed, basking in the misery of my sleeplessness.

I also feel that insomnia, although simply defined as “inability to sleep,” is much more complex and often misunderstood. So I’m just going to give my two cents on what insomnia is from a first-hand perspective, and shed some light on some of the misunderstood aspects of this truly debilitating illness.

 

1.) Insomnia means you never sleep, ever.

Not true. As an insomniac, I deal with sleeplessness frequently. Sometimes it affects me every night for days, weeks, months on end. And sometimes it doesn’t affect me at all for days, weeks, months on end. Although, when I am dealing with bouts of insomnia, I do usually end up crashing at some point or another. I just won’t sleep for long.

Sometimes, having insomnia means I will sleep every night, but perhaps for only 1 or 2 hours each night. Sometimes, I will sleep for a reasonable amount of time, but waking up every hour or so, maybe to pee, or for no reason at all. And sometimes, I won’t sleep. At all. For days…

 

2.) Insomniacs are used to not having sleep, so they can function on very little sleep.

Not true. Sometimes I do convince myself that I can deal with it, but it takes its toll. Often in the form of delirium, depression, and anxiety. Not to mention the physical exhaustion. Oh, and there’s the incessant inability to wake up on time for work (if and when I do actually fall asleep). Or the perpetual failure to wake up to an alarm clock in general (because once I do fall asleep my body tells any noise coming my way to f#$% off).

Oh, and there’s obviously the mental exhaustion. Even if, after very little sleep, I can move around and operate physically, I usually don’t know what the hell I’m saying or doing.

Basically, insomniacs are zombies. Maybe we should change the name to “inzombniac.” Heh…

 

3.) “Just close your eyes and think about something peaceful and you’ll fall asleep.”

Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. If I had a nickel for the amount of times people have told me this when I’m dealing with insomnia, I’d be rich and tired. If it were that easy, why would I be awake at (now) 3:01 am, ranting about how much I hate this god forsaken disorder!? I’m actually on the verge of tears right now because I’m so jealous of all you “normal” people who can just fall asleep at will. Sorry… but also, not sorry.

 

4.) “Can’t you try taking sleeping pills?”

Why yes. Yes I can try taking sleeping pills. I have tried taking sleeping pills, many many times… In fact, I took some earlier tonight. But here I am, awake and wiping away my tears.

This is not to discredit the potential effectiveness of sleeping pills or herbal remedies for insomnia. Maybe they do work for some people, but usually not for me. Some of the things I’ve tried are:

• Melatonin – sometimes works to make me fall asleep, but I just end up waking up 30 minutes later. Also, it aggravates my restless leg syndrome (which is WHOLEEEE other sleep disorder in itself that I may or may not decide to rant about later).
• Valerian Root – I’ve tried this almost every night for the last week. It’s about as effective as melatonin, but minus the restless leg nonsense. Still, falling asleep for 30 minutes and then waking up again? Nah.
• Hops – so far, no go.
• Sominex (and other non-herbal over the counter medicines) – to be fair, I try to avoid taking these, and haven’t taken them in years. The reason being is that they do make me fall asleep, and then I don’t wake up… ever. Like seriously, those things are basically anaesthetics that induce you into an unconscious, non-waking coma. No thanks.

Additionally, most sleeping pills end up giving me really weird and disturbing dreams. There are also some long-term side effects of sleeping pills (particularly the non-herbal remedies) which I would rather not deal with. Besides, why should I have to resort to pills anyway? It would be so much nicer to just fall asleep naturally… le sigh…

 

5.) Most people experience insomnia, so they can understand how it feels.

Not entirely true.

There are two types of insomnia: acute vs chronic. Most people do experience acute insomnia at some point in their lives. Acute insomnia is usually the result of some external factor. For example, someone might have a sleepless night before having to give a presentation, or before their wedding, or before going on an epic vacation. Acute insomnia may be the result of bad OR good anxiety. It happens, and I’m genuinely sorry for people who have to deal with it.

Chronic insomnia, on the other hand, is general inability to sleep, for no reason whatsoever. And it’s chronic; i.e. it’s an on-going thing. Chronic insomnia (which is what I have) is also exacerbated by external factors. It doesn’t help that right now I am dealing with a lot of external stressors that are driving my insomnia to absolute *peak* shittiness. And what sucks even more are that these stressors are completely out of my control; it’s not like I can even take accountability for the horrors that I’m experiencing. I just need to suck it up and deal with it.

But anyway, to come full circle on this point, if you’ve experience acute insomnia, I feel for you, but you don’t really understand how it feels for me.

 

6.) Avoiding caffeine, nicotine, and sugar late at night will help you sleep.

This may be true for non-insomniacs who suffer from late-night hyperactivity caused by stimulants. But for insomniacs, stimulants have little to no effect on our sleeplessness.

I am an ex-smoker. Granted, I only stopped smoking 6 weeks ago, and I’m still vaping with nicotine containing vape juice. But the level of nicotine in my vape juice, coupled with the fairly low frequency that I’ve been vaping, should not have a significant effect on my sleep. And actually, the fact that I’m taking in significantly less nicotine should generally be improving my ability to sleep. But I’ll chalk this up to the fact that I only recently gave up cigarettes. Perhaps any nicotine induced insomnia will go away over time…

Avoiding caffeine late at night? Fair enough. In the past, I’ve very often had several cups of coffee in the evening, and was still able to sleep normally. But I’ve stopped doing that for a while now, mainly in an effort to try to make this insomnia go away. So far, it hasn’t helped.

And avoiding sugar late at night? Also reasonable. But I’ve done this, and have actually significantly lowered my sugar intake altogether. Why am I still not sleeping!!!?!?!?!?

 

7.) Insomniacs can’t sleep because they are never tired.

Unbearably false (honestly, no pun intended).

Ok, pun maybe slightly intended…

 

8.) OK, Restless Legs Syndrome (or RLS)

Some people think RLS is a joke, that it’s as absurd as gluten sensitivity or anti-vacciners or other disorders supported by so-called “pseudo-science.” I’ve had people say to me “RLS isn’t real, it’s just caused by inactivity in the legs. You just need to go for a run every day or make sure you do enough walking to put your legs to rest.” Guess what? Not true.

First of all, I’m very active. I exercise (using my legs!) each and every single day! But RLS is very much a real thing for me and other people who experience it. Although it’s a relatively new disorder and is still poorly understood by the medical community, there has been enough research on it to verify that it’s real. It’s a type of nervous disorder characterized by an urge to move the legs. It can manifest itself in the form of burning, itching, or throbbing sensations throughout the legs, or painful cramping of the legs. For me, it’s indescribable. I just need to move them. I sometimes wave them around in the air (like I’m doing the pilates side-leg series in bed) or sometimes I need to kick them (I feel sorry for anyone who shares a bed with me). The actual sensation, however, isn’t burning or painful for me, and it doesn’t feel like throbbing. It’s like a nervous tick; basically Tourette’s syndrome of the legs. I don’t experience it every night, but I suppose it’s like my insomnia. Sometimes I feel it every night for days, weeks, months on end. And sometimes I go for a really long time without it. It’s completely unpredictable.

Oh, and it’s incurable and largely untreatable.

Just another sleep disorder that I need to suck up and deal with! YAY!

 

So anyway, there’s my rant. Aaaand now the sun is coming up… I don’t really expect anyone to read this. But if you do and you’ve made it this far, kudos to you! You must be really bored. Or perhaps you just can’t sleep either.

Bye!